CONNECT (to God):
Admit that we are powerless over our addictions and compulsions and our life is unmanageable.
Believe that there is a caring power greater than us who can restore our sanity.
Commit our life and will to Christ’s care and control.

These are the notes from a lesson we taught at Celebrate Recovery last night on Co-Dependency.  A huge thanks goes to Leticia Hall, the author of this lesson.  Penny, Ronnie and Chad heard the lesson when they visited World Harvest Church Roswell’s CR almost 2 years ago, and the lesson is just as powerful today.

We are posting the notes here, because everyone who heard the lesson wanted them!  That’s the sign of a life-changing lesson – thanks again, Leticia.  You can download the lesson here: TheProblemswithCodependency

The Problems with Codependency

The term first came into professional language in the late 1970’s. It became a way of describing people who resist giving up their caretaker role as much as the chemically addicted person resists staying clean.

However, the reference is no longer limited to this. It is now used to describe people struggling with overreliance and control issues – whether or not they are in a relationship with an unhealthy person.

Defined:

Codependency is an overdependence on others. The attempt to control the very thing/situation or person that is controlling us.

It is a matter of degree: to some extent…aren’t we all controlled by actions and opinions of others?

It is the “act of controlling” which characterizes those who are codependent.

What Does Codepency Look Like?

1. The Caretaker (not care giver)

Care “takers” try to do for others what they could do for themselves

They over anticipate what others need so they can help

They try to be the hero, eager to fix problems

2. The Rescuer

The one who bails others out of the consequences of their poor choices.

They cover for others’ mistakes.

They protect and defend others by making excuses for their inappropriate behavior. They minimize the seriousness of a problem.

3. The Pleaser

This is not the one trying to be considerate of others’ real needs & feelings.

Pleasers try to do or be what they think others want them to do or be.

They readily agree to avoid confrontation.

They control others by doing or saying anything for anyone at anytime.

4. The Helpless Victim

Choose to be weak unnecessarily. They don’t want to be helped, they want to be taken care of.

They manipulate others to feel sorry for them…controlling others through “weakness.

5. The Intimidator

I Peter 5:3 nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock

Intimidators get things done their way. They are pushy even without raising their voices.

They use knowledge to control. They are cordial & friendly as long as you agree with them.

What Drives a Codependent Person?

1. Fear:

Fear of disapproval, rejection or anger. Have a nagging dread that something terrible is going to happen if they don’t stay in control.

Some worry about what others might do or think if they fail.

(Like a parent worried that others will view them as a bad parent for their adult child’s irresponsible behavior)

2. Misplaced Trust:

It’s appropriate to need and depend on other people and for family members to want each other’s love and acceptance. But codependents need and depend on others too much.

Codependents make others so important that their ultimate joy & fulfillment in life hinges on others’ love, approval and presence.

3. By Example:

The “generational” sin.  Sins passed to the next generation by parental example.

Codependency is a learned behavior.

Children have no control over their parents nor the example they set, but they are responsible for choosing to follow or reject it.

What is wrong with Codependency?

1. It doesn’t work

2. It creates more problems, such as:
   1. Resentment
   2. Stress
   3. Depression and Addiction
   4. Health Complications

3.   It’s Unloving

4.   It’s a Sign of an Unrecognized Problem.

 

Recognizing signs – the attachment point:

 

An unhealthy attachment is when:

– we may become excessively worried & preoccupied with a problem or person (when much of our mental energy & emotions is attached)

– we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people & problems in our environment

– we become total reactionaries – instead of acting purely by our own will/choice

– we may become emotionally dependent on the people around us

 

Are you a reactor?

Reacting usually does not work so why do we do it?

Typically we are anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen and what is happening.

– we react because most people react

– we react because we think we have to react…we actually don’t have to

– sometimes we react because we don’t feel good about ourselves

 

1. We don’t have to forfeit our peace nor our power to think & feel for anyone or anything.  Remember we have the same access to facts/resources when we are at peace as when we’re frantic & chaos. Our minds perform at peak levels when they are free of emotions.

2. We don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events or other people)

3. We don’t have to take other peoples behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.

4. We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth

5. We don’t have to take things so personally.

6. We don’t have to take little things personally either.

Our reactions can result in a chain reaction that eventually causes everyone to be upset and nobody knows why. Then everyone’s out of control and being controlled.  (The Perfect Storm for a Codependent!!)

Sometimes our reactions provoke other people to react in certain ways. We actually help them justify certain behaviors. (gives the addict their “out”)

Detachment:

1. Learn to recognize when you are reacting, when you are allowing someone or something yank your strings.
Recognize those feelings of anxiety, outrage, rejection, shame, worry or confusion

When you lose your sense of peace & serenity, you are caught up in a reaction.

2. Make yourself comfortable.

When you realize you are in the midst of a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace.

Go for a walk, clean the kitchen, sit in the bathroom, go to a friend’s house, go to a meeting – but do something safe. Don’t take a fast drive down the street…etc

3. Examine what happened. Sort yourself out, or discuss it with a friend to help clear your thoughts and emotions. Feelings and emotions go wild when we try to keep them caged inside. Talk about your feelings and take responsibility for them.

4. Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make decisions based on reality and make them from a peaceful state. Do want to let it go? Do you need to apologize? Do you need to have a heart to heart talk with someone?

Keep in mind what your responsibilities are:

You are not responsible for making others “see the light”, nor to “set them straight”. If you can’t get peaceful about a decision, then let it go. It’s not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and emotions are calm.

 

Set yourself free: Let Go and Let God

People say codependent people are controllers.

Contrary to what copendents think, they are not the people “who make things happen”…they are people who consistently with a great deal of effort try to force things to happen.

– We control in the name of love

– we do it because we are only trying to help

– we do it because we know best how things should go and only we know how people should behave

– we do it because we are right and they are wrong

– we control because we are afraid not to do it

– we do it because we don’t know what else to do.

– we do it to stop the pain

– we control because we think we have to

– we control because we don’t think

– we control because controlling is all we can think about…..that’s the way we’ve always done things

Control is an illusion. People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel, think what they want to think. They do the things they believe they need to do and they will change only when they are ready to change. It does not matter if they are right or wrong, or if they are hurting themselves. It does not matter.

We cannot change people. It’s the cold hard truth. It is hard to accept. But as the saying goes “All you can change is yourself, but sometimes that changes everything.”

What a great time we had on New Year’s Eve!  Karaoke, musical entertainment by Matt Pelt and John Knaves, great home cooking, and the kids made crafts.  We sang and played past midnight, and the group voted to sing “Redeemed” while it turned midnight and we brought in the New Year (YouTube video below), because the thing we are most grateful for is that we have been redeemed from our past, our sins, our strongholds, our habits, hang-ups and hurts through the blood of Jesus Christ.

Thank you to the adults and kids who came and made this the best New Year’s Eve we can remember. Here’s to looking toward the victories and the blessings that this year will bring, and the empowering power of the Holy Spirit of God who will continue to change us into the image of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.

Ever been “done wrong”?  Sure, we all have.  But we don’t carry every single wrong ever done to us, do we?  (Yes, I know, some people try, but it is physically impossible for the brain to remember that much).

Have you ever asked yourself why some wrongs stay with us so long?  I mean, think about it – you’ve been wronged many times, but they all don’t keep you up at night.  Only certain ones do.  Why?

I have a theory.  I believe that we only get mad at things and people that we believe are standing in the way of us getting what we perceive we NEED.  I didn’t say “want”, but “need”.  We believe we MUST have something (or someone), and anyone who gets in our way incurs our wrath.

Now some things are healthy needs – like safety, security, significance.  We need these things, and people who stopped us from being safe, secure, or made us feel insignificant did longer lasting damage to us than just low-key disses.  If we were abused, that can really damage our trust that we will find safety and security, and even mess with our self-worth.

However, some things for which we hold bitterness and resentment are about “perceived” needs – things we THINK we need – but actually are more of a “want”.  We think we need a better job or more money or a mate to be happy, but those aren’t needs – they are wants.  Yet, we have developed resentment and bitterness toward employers or managers that have hindered our ability to move up the corporate ladder, or lovers who dared to leave us instead of staying and making us feel more important and significant. Some of us even resent partners in relationships that were unhealthy and we never should have been with in the first place, but that makes no difference to our perceived needs.  They blocked us from getting something important, and for that, we will cling to our disappointment and anger.

The trick is actually looking at the resentments (and the longer the history of the resentment, the longer we need to look at it).  Were these real needs that were stolen from us, or were these perceived needs?  Did these people take from us purposefully, or were they just in self-preservation mode trying to do what was best for them at that time?  Or were these simply hurting people who were lashing out because they were hurting?

As long as we cling to the belief that what they did caused us irreparable harm, we will continue to resent them.  But if we find that we are ok without the things they either withheld from us, or blocked us from receiving, then we can let that bitterness and resentment go.  However, it won’t just happen on its own.  You have to seek peace within yourself and with others.

You have to be willing to offer forgiveness to those who hurt you. You have to desire wholeness in your life more than you want revenge.  You have to earnestly desire to move forward with life and seek your happiness in God and your future.  You have to let go of the resentment so God can take it from you.

Penny Haynes, http://CelebrateRecovery.net

I ordered our new business cards for Celebrate Recovery and Ministry House last night.  I spent HOURS pouring over them, trying to get them perfect.  I ordered one set with our names on them, and another set without our names for CR members to use for inviting others. I was meticulous.

I put the first order in with our names, and then started working on the other cards when suddenly I realized I HAD THE WRONG PHONE NUMBER ON THERE.  Yes, yes – I had mistyped 1 little digit.  They read 458 instead of 459. I was able to correct the cards without our names, but I was frantic about cancelling or editing the other order.

So I looked to see how to cancel or edit the order, and realized that I had clicked an authorization stating that I understood that I could not cancel or edit anything once it is submitted. I thought surely there must be an exception, but no, there are NO exceptions to this rule.  So I will have to change the number 8 to 9 on the front AND back of 250 cards, and the cards will look that much less professional.  I hate that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I do something like this.

Well, several things hit me.

1. When we make a mistake, we can’t change it.  It is there and will remain in the past and become a part of history.  No matter how much we wish and try and cry, we cannot change that.  We just have to accept the fact that it exists, and just move on.  This is part of the “things we cannot change” portion of the Serenity Prayer.
2. Perspective affects our emotions and our actions. The cards, including shipping, cost a whopping $26.  This is a decent chunk of money, but will not get us thrown out into the streets.  I had to step back and put this into perspective.  Worse comes to worse, I’m out $26 (and I’ve thrown out good money on other things much worse than that).  I can write on the cards, and although they will not look as professional, it really doesn’t matter. So it is not a total loss, just an aggravating loss. I don’t have to stay sick to my stomach about it, but can let it go. Realizing these things let me breathe again.
3. Things don’t always have to go exactly as I planned for a situation to work out.  A handwritten number 9 will not ruin everything.  The only important thing is that people can communicate with us.  A perfect (but wrong) card is ineffective and useless, so I sacrifice perfection for simply making things work practically – and that is acceptable.  What I have to offer is ENOUGH to get the job done.
4. God is NOTHING like Vistaprint.  I may not be able to ring up Vistaprint and ask them to make sure that the finished product will be right in spite of my errors, but I can always ask God to take whatever mess I might have made of things and use them for His glory and my good. He has promised to make THIS finished product (me) completely “right” for communicating His Word, love, will and plan by promising that He will complete the work that He has begun in me, until all of my thoughts and actions reflect Jesus.

So if you are sick to your stomach about some screw up or failure from your historic or recent past, you don’t have to continue to wallow in the mire of icky feelings and thoughts of “what’s the use?”  Bring those transgressions, those sins, to your Higher Power (Jesus), and ask Him to correct in you the things that cause you to act that way.  Ask Him to “recalculate” your life so that you still end up where He originally intended you to be (His plan for your life).

Unlike VistaPrint, He CAN fix our cards (the outcome after our actions), regardless of what we have done.  It doesn’t mean there won’t be earthly consequences, but if you are willing to go through the Lord’s discipline, you will be healthier and more Christ-like on the other side when you are done.  And you’ll ask your Sponsor to “proof read” your life to make sure everything is looking as it should.

Until Tuesday….

Penny Haynes, Celebrate Recovery and Ministry House